Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Sequel to "No, Really."
Rating: 1 AM
Thanks to shalott and Livia for betaing, waiting, poking me, re-betaing, poking me again, waiting more...
"I don't think this place is structurally sound," Rodney said, poking at a wattle-and-daub wall.
"You can always sleep outside," John said.
"Of course. With the insects and the wild, carnivorous animals."
"Well then, you can sleep inside," John said, cracking his knuckles.
"Where the roof will fall on my head." Rodney looked up at it sourly.
"Have you considered sleeping outside?" John asked mildly.
Rodney stared at him. "Did you suffer brain damage while I wasn't looking?"
John grinned. "Just wanted to see how long that conversation would go."
"Colonel," Teyla said over the radio, "the locals strongly recommend that we stay inside at night."
"Yeah, got that," John replied. "They only said it about fifty times."
"I'm securing the jumper."
"What's your impression of their buildings? Rodney is concerned." Rodney started at that, so John turned away, hiding his smile.
"They have all survived many animal attacks. I would not trust them against the Wraith, but I believe they will last the night."
Ronon cut in. "Did you find food?"
"*Yes*," John said. "The chief's grandma set up a whole feast in here." At that, Rodney tried to lift this lid again and John slapped his hand.
"Your energy bars are unsatisfying," Ronon said as he came through the door. He made a beeline for the big, hot pot of goodness sitting on the squat pottery oven. Rodney circled around and approached with him, positioning himself strategically out of swatting distance.
"Teyla, I think you've got a limited window on dinner here," John said.
"Please, we're not savages here." Rodney stuck a finger in the pot. "Ow, hot. Mm, yum," as he sucked the sauce off.
"I'm on my way."
Dinner looked like beef and barley soup, only with meat that wasn't beef, grain that wasn't barley, and Pegasus herbs in the thick broth. John was starting to recognize the widely traded herbs and spices, which was disconcerting. Troba. Malsu. Jinkor root. They traveled pretty much anywhere that had regular stargate commerce, including Atlantis, where they used troba in the mashed potatoes and jinkor root on eggs.
He thought he liked malsu more than cinnamon, which was a whole new level of disconcerting. He really *liked* the sticky buns the cafeteria made with malsu and norka nuts.
"There's no spoons," Rodney said, and there wasn't, just the big serving ladle. Ronon looked at him and scooped a chunk of meat into his mouth with his hand. "Oh, of course that's your suggestion," Rodney said.
"Rodney. Cope. That's an order."
Rodney rolled his eyes and slurped broth straight from the bowl.
"I think this meat is the animals that attack during the night," Ronon said, chewing with great concentration.
Teyla poked her head through the door. "It is. The women set snares just before dusk. I nearly stepped into one, but fortunately, the girl who set it was there to warn me. They wrap themselves in scented hide to set them; they are quite cunning."
John helped her bar the heavy door. "I wouldn't mind seeing those," he said. "Always in the market for new simple weapons."
"Yes, that was my thought as well. Sharma will show us in the morning. At the moment, she was quite eager to return home."
"I want to see the monsters. See if they compare," Ronon said. They all looked at him and he shrugged. "To my favorite movie, 'They Came In the Night.' The monsters ate the village until Ronon Oxon killed them."
"Named for him, huh?"
"Named for my great-uncle." But Ronon looked pleased nonetheless, so John guessed he had gotten some schoolyard currency out of that.
"You can go on the snare tour with us," John said. He dished up a bowl of monster soup and handed it to Teyla, then another for himself.
Rodney raised his hand. "And I'll stay here and watch the paint dry."
"We'll *get* to the ruins, McKay."
"See, we could have gotten to them already. They're just over there."
"And then we'd be attacked by scary, tasty monsters all night. You see how it works when you make nice with the locals?" John said. And damn, they *were* tasty. Gamy, but it worked with the sweet grain.
"We should see if they will allow us to hunt these animals," Teyla said. "This is an excellent stew."
Ronon drained his bowl and went for seconds. He was still filling out, regaining muscle mass--which John would have thought impossible, but apparently having arms bigger than John's legs was his *famine* state--and softening a little in his cheeks and under his chin.
"And their fuel is very efficient. Do you see how the stove emits no smoke? I wish my people had visited the Parusians earlier," Teyla said.
Rodney looked up. "Yeah, wow," he said. "Do you know what they burn?"
"I do not. I thought firewood, but clearly that is not the case." She opened the latch on the front of the stove and they both peered in.
"Can't tell. Chunks of something. Maybe charcoal?"
"I didn't know you were into cookware, Rodney," John said. He ladled himself up another bowl of monster soup.
"Hey, for all I know, they're burning stabilized naquadria. Do you know how her lighter thing works?" Rodney said, jerking his thumb at Teyla. "Naquadah-enhanced laser."
"Athos once had a great civilization. We took to the woods once the Wraith came, but our city is still there, under the trees, even now."
Ronon looked down into his bowl wordlessly.
"We will defeat the Wraith," Teyla said.
Ronon didn't say anything, but smiled suddenly, fished a chunk of meat out of his bowl, and popped it into his mouth. "Perhaps," he said.
John licked his bowl clean and set it back on the stove next to dinner. He was restless; too much sitting around listening to eloquent speeches about neighbors from beyond the stars and defeating the great plague of our time. The locals seemed to enjoy it, but John got them twice a week.
Teyla took a comb from her pack and brushed her hair out, eyes closed. Rodney took out his PDA and made notes. Ronon leaned back on his elbows and looked at John.
"Got any good jokes?" John asked.
Ronon raised his eyebrows. "What did the rijo say to the Wraith?"
Teyla burst out laughing and Ronon grinned. "A second lieutenant and a unit cook are trapped on a desert island," Ronon continued. "The lieutenant says, 'According to my orders, I must swim back to my unit.' He steps off the island, swims out twenty paces, and is eaten by a bigfish. The cook cries out, 'According to my orders, I must feed you!' He shoots the bigfish, hauls it back, cuts it open, and serves raw slices of its meat to the lieutenant's corpse."
Silence, and then John laughed. He didn't quite get it, but military humor was pretty much all the same.
"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?" Rodney asked.
"To get to the same side," John replied.
Nobody laughed. "Hey! You didn't interrupt *Dex*," Rodney protested.
"That's because I didn't know the punch line," John pointed out. "Okay, Heisenberg is pulled over by the police. The cop says, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'"
"'No, but I know where I am,'" Rodney said. Teyla and Ronon looked increasingly puzzled.
"How do the Wraith achieve faster-than-light travel?" Teyla asked.
"I don't know, how?" Ronon asked, smiling.
"In fact they cannot. They stick their hands out of their ships until ultimate entropy is achieved and all points are the same," and Ronon and Rodney doubled over laughing.
"Huh," John said. "What happens if you play a country song backwards?"
"I do not know," Teyla said, smiling over Rodney's head as he laughed himself into a coughing fit.
"You get your wife back, your job back, and your dog back," John said, and Teyla gave him a puzzled smile and a polite laugh.
Ronon hauled Rodney upright and thumped him on the back until he stopped coughing and shouted, "Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop that!" Ronon embraced him then and rested his chin on Rodney's shoulder. "*What*?" Rodney asked.
"You have chocolate."
"I do not. You mugged me for my last bar three days ago."
"I can tell."
"I can *smell* it on you." Ronon rubbed his face against Rodney's vest.
Rodney glowered at him, head pulled back so far his chin disappeared. "You're smelling the chocolate that *used* to be there that you stole."
Ronon shook his head, snuffling at Rodney's neck and chest. "*Personal bubble*," Rodney said.
Ronon opened Rodney's coat. "Hey!" Rodney yelled. "Off! Down! Sit! Stay!"
Ronon pinned him down casually--and John watched, feeling no impetus at all to intervene--and removed a thermal bag from a hidden pocket zipped into Rodney's vest. He unrolled it and exposed two gold-wrapped chocolate bars. "You're a terrible liar," Ronon said.
"I forgot they were there. How wonderful of you to find them. Yes, yes, we should all share," Rodney said, his face twitching with grief and loss. Ronon snapped one bar in half mercilessly and tossed one half each to Teyla and John. He tapped the other bar against his palm and raised his eyebrows at Rodney. "Oh, *what*," Rodney sighed.
Ronon smiled, unwrapped it, and licked the entire length.
"You're a child," Rodney snarled.
John shook his head. Teyla smiled and leaned her shoulder against his. "I enjoy your Earth customs," she said.
"I don't know if I would call them customs, exactly."
"It is not your custom to sit around the fire and tell stories? You were doing very well."
"It's not our custom to sit around fires," John said. "Mostly we sit around the TV and let it tell stories for us."
"But you have been on missions before." She cocked an unstoppable eyebrow at him.
On the other side of the stove, Ronon was pinning Rodney's hands and making him steal bites of chocolate from the bar clenched in his teeth. Kinky, but despite his frown, Rodney wasn't objecting. "Hey," John said. They both looked up. "What's the wildest sex you ever had?"
Ronon raised his eyebrows. The chocolate sagged in his mouth, and Rodney seized the opportunity to grab the rest of the bar in one vicious snap. Ronon tackled him and they rolled across the floor until Rodney yelped like a whipped puppy.
"This is tradition?" Teyla's eyebrows said she wasn't at all surprised.
"Oh yeah, tackling and all," John said.
"Ow! Ow ow ow! Ow, my back, my back!" Rodney yelled. Ronon rolled him over onto his back, grabbed his hand, planted his hand in Rodney's chest and pulled. "Stoppit stoppit--hey, that feels better," Rodney said.
"Mine was with my husband in a tree," Teyla said.
Chills ran down John's spine, chased by the image of an angry man with a big ray gun. "Husband?"
"Husband?" Ronon asked.
"Rub my neck, it still hurts," Rodney said. Ronon rubbed his neck.
"He died long ago. A good man," she said. "Halling's brother."
John rested his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Long ago," she repeated.
"I'm still sorry."
She kissed his cheek.
"Nnnnh arrrrrr ohhhhh ah," Rodney said, punctuated with a crack as Ronon popped his neck for him.
"I am glad you have resolved your dispute," Teyla said.
"He never stays angry," Ronon said.
"So?" John asked Rodney.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, I got laid in the stacks of the library in college."
"Stacks of what?" Ronon asked.
"You had sex on books?"
"Well, not *on*. *Near*."
"Books are expensive," Ronon said reproachfully.
"Okay, fine, what about you, Colonel?" Rodney jerked away from Ronon huffily, starting to blush.
John looked up at the ceiling. "Ferris wheel, prom night, my best friend in high school, our girlfriends."
Rodney's eyes went round. "You--wait, did you actually--did you--"
"I didn't sleep with my best friend in high school," John clarified.
"I just looked at him while my girlfriend sucked me off." Good times, one of the few really good memories from when he ws a teenager. Stars, spinning, Jessica and Jimmy.
"I still do not know what a Ferris wheel is," Teyla said. "Is prom night a holiday?"
"Um. A Ferris wheel is a big wheel about twice the side of a Stargate. It has seats. It's a ride. Prom... is a dance that you have right before you finish one kind of school."
"A rite of passage?"
John considered that. "Yeah. Yeah! Then you're an adult."
"I see." She turned to Ronon expectantly.
Ronon gave it some thought. "Last time," he said.
John grinned. Teyla raised her eyebrow.
"It was a while for me. That sticks out." Ronon took Rodney's shoulders again and started rubbing.
"Mmm," Rodney said.
Teyla rested her head on John's shoulder and John leaned back on her.
"Uh," Rodney said. "Is this where we bond as a team again?"
They all looked at him.
"Look, it's not like I have any experience with this! Am I supposed to be all silent and pretend we haven't had sex and I don't want to do it again?" Rodney waved his hands in the air.
John smiled a little; he stood up, walked around the stove, and kissed him.
Rodney responded immediately, sliding his hands under John's vest. His mouth was active, his cheeks heated up against John's palms as he blushed bright red, and he tasted like dark chocolate. "Right," Rodney said when John let his mouth go.
"I didn't have any other plans in particular," John said. "How about you guys?"
Ronon leaned his head against Teyla's thigh and crossed his ankle over his upraised knee. "Please, continue," he said.
Teyla reached into her vest pocket and pulled out a handful of condoms. She dropped them onto Ronon's chest.
"Damn, Teyla! Beckett hoards those like *gold*. How'd you do that?" John untangled himself from Rodney and grabbed one. Ronon closed his hand around John's as John grabbed the packet, and he kissed John's fingers lightly before letting him go.
"I told him that I needed them," Teyla said. John looked up at her and she waggled her eyebrows.
"No!" Rodney said. "No, no, this time is mine. This time I want--is that okay? Do you mind? I don't want to be presumptuous."
John looked at him. Rodney looked back, worried and mussed. "*You* don't want to be presumptuous?" John said.
"Well excuse me, I don't know how to ask my putative best friend if I can sodomize him in front of my other two alleged closest friends," Rodney said, blushing so red he was nearly purple. Man, you had to love that fair skin.
"It's somewhat awkward, not something that's come up, ever, in my life, prior to this moment, so you'll have to cut me a little slack," Rodney concluded. "And--"
"I said *sure*, McKay!" John tugged his sleeping bag free of his pack and kicked it so it rolled out across the floor. He unzipped the side and unfolded it.
"Oh. You did? Oh," Rodney said. "Well. Yes. Of course you did."
"He likes it hard," Ronon said conversationally, and Teyla snickered. "He takes it very well."
John sat down and unlaced his boots. "We're in another galaxy, hunted at every turn by cosmic space vampires. Seize the day. Seize the physicist. Seize the dick," he said, looking up, finding Rodney standing over him.
Rodney went to his knees, kissing him hard, and pushed John over onto his back. John sprawled happily under his weight. Rodney felt good, solid and *present* between his thighs.
"Take off his shirt!" Teyla called. John looked over at her and Rodney sucked on his throat; John grinned and tugged Rodney's vest open and stared in disbelief.
Rodney braced his hands on either side of John's head. "What? What?"
"Does that say..." John squinted at the Ancient writing on Rodney's shirt. "'Atlanteans do it under siege'?"
"Yes, yes it does, and if you don't like it, feel free to take it off me."
"Someone took the time and effort to translate that, make a silkscreen kit, and dig up blank t-shirts and ink to make them?"
"Yes," Rodney said.
"You guys don't have enough to do," John said, and then he pulled Rodney's head down and kissed him until he stopped trying to argue the point.
Beside them, Ronon and Teyla were spreading out another sleeping bag. John slid his hands up under Rodney's tasteless shirt and thumbed his nipples, so damned perky, knotting up at his touch. Rodney groaned and John tried to pull the shirt over his head, which didn't really work, so he rolled Rodney over onto his back and started stripping off his clothes.
Teyla was sitting with Ronon's head in her lap; he was belly-down, his chin pillowed on his wrist. She rolled his locks between her hands, twisting them tighter, and raised an eyebrow at John. John raised an eyebrow back and unbuckled Rodney's belt. "You know what to do?" John asked.
"Uh, insert, then there's some wiggling and you make undignified noises--it's nowhere near as complicated as a naquadah generator. Come on."
"I *never* make undignified noises," John said. He stripped Rodney's trousers off, taking his boxers with, and Rodney whimpered manfully. John straddled his thighs and shrugged his vest off his shoulders slowly.
He felt all three sets of eyes on his body, but Rodney was the one he was really looking to. He unzipped his trousers and let the fly hang open--which drew Rodney's eyes immediately--then tugged his t-shirt out, watching Rodney's gaze flicker up and down over his torso. Felt good to be the most interesting thing in the room, especially to *that* master of ADD.
He skinned out of his shirt and stood up to drop his pants. "We should do this more often," Ronon commented. John glanced over; Ronon was sprawled across Teyla's lap like a well-petted pussycat. She had a hand slipped under the hem of his shirt and was drawing her fingertips across his back.
Rodney was blushing from his hairline to his nipples, but his dick was standing firm and tall and dammit, just *appealing*, so John dropped to his hands and knees and sucked him down. "Oh *God*," Rodney said, "oh *God* you're good at that, stop, *God*--"
Then there were hands on him and John was flipped over onto his back. "You heard him," Ronon said. "The man knows what he wants."
"There's a thing called foreplay," John said, and then Ronon leaned down, his hands heavy on John's wrists, and kissed him. The ropy curtain of his hair fell across John's chest piece by piece.
Other hands--Rodney; he knew those broad and tentative fingers--stroked his kneecaps, his thighs, the points and grooves of his hips. John opened his thighs wider and a mouth, Rodney's mouth, touched his knee, and John felt sweat prickle up all over his body. He felt wide open, ready to be touched.
Ronon broke the kiss with a gentle bite to John's lower lip. He moved his lips to John's ear. "Will you help me?" he breathed, barely audible even to John.
Rodney's mouth was moving slow and hot down John's thigh. It was getting hard to think. Ronon flipped his hair over his shoulder, letting light back into John's world, and John telegraphed his non-understanding with his eyes.
Ronon bent back down. "Teyla is my first woman," he whispered.
John kissed his cheek. "Just say it."
"Say what?" Rodney asked nervously.
John pushed Rodney's head back to his thigh, wanting him to finish that hickey, because that was feeling pretty damn good. "No, you keep going, don't say anything."
"Is that an order?" Ronon asked.
"No. Not for you. For Rodney, yes," John said, taking a deep breath as Rodney pushed his thighs wider. "Keep that up," and he rubbed his back against the sleeping bag in a slow motion writhe. He let his hand fall open to his side, an offer that Ronon took.
"You are my first woman," Ronon said to Teyla, his hand clasped in John's. John craned his neck up to see her reaction.
She stepped out of her pants and kicked them out of the way. "Wait, what?" Rodney said as Teyla bent down and kissed Ronon.
"No *women* while he's in the service, just guys, he told us. Dammit, Rodney, keep *going*." Ronon clutched John's right hand hard; John ran his other hand up his ribs, craving touch with the whole surface of his skin. "Come on, Rodney, come on--" And Rodney crawled up his body and kissed him.
John hooked his leg over Rodney's ass, and yeah, dick stuttering over his skin, and *yeah*, Rodney's bulk pressing him into the ground again. "Condom, condom, condom," Rodney muttered.
"Fingers," Ronon said.
"Right!" And Rodney messed around with lube for a second, then pushed a finger in; damn. Nice hands. Sensation, almost what he wanted. Almost there.
He met Rodney's eyes and said, "Fuck me," and Rodney nodded, swallowing. "Come on," he murmured, and "closer," and "up," and "in, in, yeah," gripping Ronon's hand with all his strength, holding Rodney with his thighs. Rodney was braced over him with both hands, looking down at him like he was something miraculous.
Rodney's dick felt comfortable inside him. Friendly. He wasn't scary huge like Ronon, but more human-sized. Then Rodney moved and groaned and started thrusting like a metronome, and he just felt good, good, good.
"Teyla," Ronon said softly, pulling on John's hand in his turn. John focused, and skin in shades of brown by his cheek resolved into Ronon's thigh and Teyla's magnificent ass, rising and falling. Nice.
"Touch me here," Teyla said, guiding Ronon's hand, and John couldn't see but he could sure as hell hear when she took a deep breath, arched her back, shouted and came. Ronon's eyes widened and he grimaced as if in pain, pumping his hips
into her silently. His hand clenched and relaxed on John's.
"Oh," Rodney groaned, "did you--of course you saw that, you can't--oh, I--" He pushed John's thigh up over his shoulder and God, John was glad he was flexible, because that was perfect.
"Yeah," Rodney panted.
"Yeah," John agreed. Stretched, kind of uncomfortable, his shoulders rubbing on the ground, but Rodney was connecting over and over like an electrical plug into a socket, lighting up his pleasure centers.
"God, *John*," and Rodney buckled into his arms, hips pumping raggedly, balance gone. Their bodies thrust together irregularly as Rodney came. John kissed his temple, his cheek, his ear, and hugged him to his chest. "Okay," Rodney said.
John's hand ached when Ronon let go. He stroked the prickly hair on Ronon's thigh with the back of his hand, enjoying the wiry resistance against his skin. Teyla was sprawled across Ronon, her calf shifting idly on his thigh as she sucked slow kisses onto his chest.
Then Rodney jerked halfway upright. "You're still hard! You didn't come!"
"I like it to last," John shrugged. He leaned up and kissed Rodney's chin.
Rodney groaned, slapping himself on the forehead. Teyla sat up. "Down," she said, pointing Rodney down to John's dick. Rodney scrambled south without hesitation and Teyla straddled John's head. "I trust you are not opposed," she said. John answered with his tongue.
And oh, man, he could smell Ronon's sweat on her thighs, which just made it better. Teyla tasted strong and sweet and womanly on his tongue, passionately responsive and as juicy as a fresh orange.
Rodney had no idea what he was doing, but after a few tentative licks he took John's cock head in his mouth and really, you couldn't go wrong with that. Then hands on his nipples--whose hands were those?
Those hands twisted his nipples like a radio tuner--God, and the mouth on his dick and the hands on his thighs and the taste flooding his mouth, he was drowning in sex, smothering in it, and this was completely the box he would check on the "how do you want to die?" questionnaire--and he lost the thread. He just reacted, hands and mouth and hips and cock giving up whatever was asked of him.
He was sucked and groped and ridden--and he came and came and came until he was hollow.
Then he took a little nap. When he woke up, Rodney was beside him, still naked, eating a bowl of stew and watching Ronon and Teyla fuck again. "Give me some of that," John said, prodding Rodney in the knee.
"Busy," Rodney said.
John prodded him again, harder. Rodney rolled his eyes and fished a chunk of meat out of his bowl and popped it into John's mouth; John gave him a sunny smile and chewed. "I'm having a sexual epiphany," Rodney said.
"Mm-hm?" Teyla was wrapping her fists in Ronon's hair. John couldn't even pretend to give Rodney any of his attention, but that was fine, because Rodney was missing his mouth half the time, he was so intent.
"Beginning premise is that I need to have more of it," Rodney said. "I'll let you know when I figure out the rest."
"Mm," John said, resting his cheek against Rodney's calf and quietly liking his friends.
ETA: You may now purchase "Atlanteans Do It Under Siege" shirts, mugs, and undies at my Cafepress store!